


Regret

by Aurora_Nerin



Series: Safe in my arms [2]
Category: Ragnarok – Fandom, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Childbirth, Dark fic, Depression, Graphic Description, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki is a BAMF, M/M, Self-Harm, Warning: Loki, prepare your feels to cry, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 17:43:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12846261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurora_Nerin/pseuds/Aurora_Nerin
Summary: Sequel to ''Mercy.'' Loki is alone on Midgard, pregnant with Thor's child, while Thor has to face Ragnarok without his most trusted companion by his side.





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Get yourself some tissues and water, I died writing this.

Loki looks up to ceiling, fingers rubbing circles on the skin of his heavy belly, his mind full of white, buzzing noise. Thor left him. Left them. He knew the child was his, but instead of yelling at him, hitting him or (this was was a fool’s hope anyway), staying to help him, he just left him. Here. On Midgard, vulnerable and surrounded by enemies.

He left his own flesh and blood to die. Only because their son had half of Loki’s blood flowing through his veins. Loki hides his face in hands to stop the tears from falling. He tried, Norns know, he tried as much as he could to alter the child’s fate, to take all of his own heredity from him, to make him as much of Thorsson as he could. But it was not enough. Thor felt no love for the poor child whose only wrongdoing was those of the monster’s who was bearing him.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Loki whispers to the child, ‘’I failed to keep you safe, my darling. I’m sorry there was enough of me in you to make him hate you. I’ll do anything for you, darling, anything.’’

The child moves and sends wave of magical energy to Loki, soothing him:  _yes, it says, I know, mother. I know you want me. I know you love me. Please, take care of yourself for me. Please._

Loki bits back a sob and stands up, slowly and goes to kitchen to get himself something to eat.

\---

Thor does not recognize Asgard when he steps through Observatory: Everything is in ruins, flames surround the Golden Palace. The civilians are nowhere to be seen. What in Odin’s name has been going on here?

‘’Thor!’’ someone calls out to him and the Thunderer turns, seeing Heimdall, waving at him from where he’s standing: in the shadows, behind the half torn-down wall of a building. ‘’Come, quick!’’

The Gatekeeper leads him through the mountains, telling him everything.

Hela’s attack was unexpected. No one saw her coming. No one knew how much power she wielded. The Einherjar fell one after another, protecting their home. Odin is dead. Warriors three are dead. Thor can’t wrap his mind around it.

Thanks to Heimdall, the civilians are safe though, that’s still better than nothing. Thor can’t even begin to express his gratitude to the man. He does not need to. Heimdall knows. He sees everything.

‘’Thor,’’ he says one evening, week after Thor’s arrival, when they sit around the fire, cooking the remains boar Thor hunted down that day. It’s late night and most of Asgard has already retired for the night. Tomorrow will be another day of fighting, resisting, surviving. Challenging Goddess of Death. ‘’Are you sure you did the right thing?’’

Thor stares. ‘’Whatever do you mean, Gatekeeper?’’

‘’When you left him,’’ the God replies, fixing his golden gaze on Thor.

It takes Thor a second to realize what the other man means. ‘’Yes,’’ he says, bitter feeling crushing his chest. ‘’Yes, I did.’’

Heimdall sighs and shakes his head. ‘’Thor,’’ he says. ‘’Leaving one’s child is cowardice worse than that of leaving a battlefield.’’

‘’Are you calling me a coward, Gatekeeper?’’ Thor snarls, jumping to his feet. ‘’Mind your tongue! Have care how you speak to your king!’’

Heimdall smiles sadly. ‘’You once said you’d rather be a good man than a great king,’’ he says evenly, standing up, throwing his cape around his shoulders, bowing low and turning to leave. ‘’It seems that you managed to be neither of those things, your majesty.’’

Thor stands, staring into the fire, frozen, trying to forget Loki’s voice, begging, screaming after him.

_Thor, please, I’m not lying. Thor, please, don’t leave!_

\---

Loki stares at the knife in his hands. Cutting his finger while chopping vegetables was not supposed to be a huge deal. Only he’s been alone for two weeks. Only Thor left him when he most needed him. And he’s scared, so scared and desperate…

 _Can’t believe you’re actually thinking of it,_  voice inside his mind snaps and it sounds so much like Frigga that Loki flinches. _Is this what I taught you, Loki? How can you think about that when an innocent life depends on your health and wellbeing?_

 _But… Only a bit. Not too much. I need to. I need to feel something, mother or I’ll lose my sanity._  Loki begs the voice, cradling the knife to his chest desperately.  _I know my boundaries. It won’t hurt him. Only me. Mother, please._

 _No, Loki,_  a new voice claims. Odin.

 _What do YOU care,_  Loki snaps,  _You wanted me dead long ago, old man. Like father like son. You left me when I needed you. You let me fall. Now he left me too. Damn you all to Helheim. Whole Borson-Odinson family getting off on my misery._

 _We never wanted to hurt you. We are your family, Loki,_  Frigga says and Loki can almost see her, he can see her, is this some kind of trick his abused mind plays on him? He can’t cast any more illusions, all of his magic is needed to sustain the child, to keep him healthy.

 _So I’m finally going insane,_  Loki thinks. _Is that what being mad feels like?_

Frigga. Like he last remembers her from his cell. She’s here, she’s standing next to him. Loki stares at her, wide-eyed, fearing she’ll just disappear if he blinks.

‘’Oh, my boy,’’ she sighs, ‘’my baby. What has become of you?’’ and Loki just starts sobbing like a child, he can’t fuckin help it.

‘’I’m sorry, mother, I tried, I tried, I did everything I could, but he left me. Left us. He…’’ Loki leans on the counter, not to fall to floor again, ‘’He hates me mama, he hates me. If… if something goes wrong…’’ the lean man shudders, the fear that haunts his every waking moment and comes to flesh in his dreams, resurfaces. ‘’What if the child dies, mama, my magic is gone, I can’t stop it.’’

‘’Nothing will go wrong, child,’’ she assures, ‘’He will return to you. I know this because he’s my son and i know him.’’

Loki nods, staring at the knife again. He’s stronger than this, the Trickster decides. he‘s come this far. He can get through the last bits.

When he looks up, Frigga is gone. He knows it’s nothing surprising. She was never here to begin with.

It still stings.

\---

He’s at loss: he’s no idea what to do, how to proceed. The illusion that he’s cast on himself: the one of being a pregnant female, holds only for an hour, in his best days. When the baby shifts, when there’s any kind of pain, it starts to flicker instantly.

The mortal medical help is out of question then. He knew it was, right from the beginning. Sure, he could charm or bribe some human doctor to help him, but can he trust them? Can he trust that they won’t recognise him? That they won’t tear the child from his arms the moment he’s born and take him away to experiment on him? The child of a God. They won’t pass that chance. They will hold onto him and what if he’s not there to stop it? What if he’s not strong enough to stop it?

He’s even thought about asking Avengers for help. They would help, if he said the child is Thor’s wouldn’t they? But it’s a frail hope: if Thor himself doesn’t want Loki’s offspring, what reason do his friends have to try and help him?

Loki massages his temples. His head hurts from so much thinking, analysing and planning every step he takes every day. He can’t be seen. He can’t trust anyone. There’s only one way and he knows what way that is.

Does not mean he’s any less scared of it.

\---

First pains hit him in the middle of night. Loki gasps waking instantly, the reality of it crushing him like a blow from Mjolnir.

It’s time. He drags himself from bed and to the shower, to wash himself and relax his muscles as much as possible, gathering few supplies he might need on the way, the sudden pains making him freeze and gasp every once in a while.

He’s read everything he possibly could. He knows what to expect, but, alas, as the pains grow closer, his heart fills with dread. He feel’s the bile rising in his throats and runs to bathroom to retch and empty his innards into the toilet.

Loki rests his head on the cool tiles of bathroom floor, as pains wrack his malnourished body again. ‘’Mother,’’ he rasps, holding out hand, hoping against hope that Frigga will show up again.

No one comes. He’s alone. He knows it’s nothing surprising.

It doesn’t hurt any less.

\---

The pains grow stronger and come closer together as the sun rises. Loki throws his head back and tries to breathe through it, cursing through his gritted teeth. He can do it. Damn it, if he can survive the torture the Chitauri put him through, he can certainly do this. For his son. For Modi.

The pain slowly diminishes and Loki checks himself with his hand. It’s not the time yet. Damn, this brat it taking his time. ‘’So much like your father, already, darling,’’ Loki rasps, trying and struggling to breathe again. It hurts. Oh, it hurts so much and shows no sign of stopping. Loki turns to the side, biting the pillow to muffle the scream. He can’t afford to make much noise. Can’t afford the relief of screaming his throat sore.

What if someone hears.

What if they find him.

No. he can’t have that. He won’t scream. Won’t scream.

\---

The morning passes slowly, agonizingly and he makes little progress. Oh, what he would give to have just someone, anyone here to hold his hand, give him some water to drink, tell him what’s it that he’s doing wrong.

Something is wrong. He just knows it. He may not have much experience birthing children, but he’s seen women doing it. It should not take so long, or is it his hazy mind that makes minutes feel like days? It must be, he assures himself. It must be. He must be patient. Must wait. Must stay silent.

Only, as the pains grow stronger, that promise is harder to keep.

‘’Mother,’’ he sobs, pitifully, ‘’Mother, please, help me!’’

Another contraction hits and he barely manages not to scream.

Then he feels it, he feels something tearing and leans forward, almost blindly, touching his opening. When he holds up his hand, in the blue light of the passing day he freezes.

Blood. His fingers are soaked in it.

Panic grips his heart: No, no, no! He can’t die, his son… Thor’s son will die with him, that can’t happen.

Desperate, he looks up to the ceiling and tries the last thing. The last hope that he’s been hiding even from himself.

He failed. It’s that or death. It’s the only way.

‘’Heimdall,’’ he rasps, voice almost gone, black spots seeping from the corners of his vision. ‘’I know you can hear me.’’

‘’Help me.’’

\---

Thor stands at open windows of the spaceship, looking at the void outside.

They survived. Asgard is gone, but they survived. It’s all that matters, he convinces himself. Or, at least he tries.

‘’Thor,’’ Sif says, standing next to him.

‘’Sif,’’ he nods, acknowledging her presence. ‘’How are the people doing?’’

‘’They are grateful to be alive, my king,’’ the woman replies. ‘’They are grateful to their king.’’

‘’Is that so?’’ Thor muses, looking to the stars again.

Midgard. He’s going back to Midgard. His thoughts go back to Loki: will there be anything left of Midgard to return to? Is it likely, that the rejection drove his brother insane enough to wage war on that planet again? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know Loki anymore.

‘’My king!’’ Heimdall’s voice calls and Thor turns, just to see the Gatekeeper run to his side, wide-eyed and ashen-faced. ‘’My, king, you must go to him!’’

Thor blinks, amazed. ‘’Go to him?’’ he repeats and turns his back, chuckling. ‘’No Heimdall. I made my choice. I let him go. He kept pulling away again and again. If this is what he wanted, he can have it.’’

Heimdall just stares at him for a second, aghast, then slaps him with a force that sends Thor stumbling to the floor. Sif hisses and draws his sword to defend her king.

‘’Thor Odinson,’’ the Gatekeeper growls, ‘’If you don’t go to him now, you’ll live to regret it for the rest of your life.’’ Thor just stares, mouth hanging open. ‘’And I’ll live to regret that I let you, through your arrogance and stupidity, do this. Go to him while you still can, while he’s still alive to forgive you for this.’’

 _Still alive?_  Thor’s face drains of all color. He’s back on his feet in a second, panic taking over him. ‘’Send me to him!’’

\---

Loki is sure he must have blacked out at some point. He might even have died, for all he knows, for when he opens his eyes, Thor is there with him, chanting his name and shaking him. ‘’Loki! Loki!’’ he shouts, panicked, ‘’Loki please, open your eyes!’’

‘’Thor?’’ the Trickster rasps, not sure if he’s hallucinating.

‘’Yes, I’m here. I’m here, Loki, hold on, all will be well,’’ Thor assures, through his voice betrays him.

Loki laughs. Well? Nothing has been well since that cursed day Thor broke him out of his cell to avenge their mother’s death and could not hold himself back, could not keeps his hands off of him and Loki, naive and touch-starved fool that he was, let him.

It all went to Hel from that moment. From the moment Loki realized he was carrying a child and panicked, faking his death and running from him.

Only, there is nowhere to go now. He can’t hide. Not from Thor. Nor from his feeling for him.

‘’Loki?’’ He hears his name being called from afar, ‘’Loki, tell me what to do, please. Loki, help me!’’

The Trickster laughs,  _help me._  Isn’t that just precious. _Help me._

Then it hits him.

‘’Thor,’’ he says, rushing, while he still has the voice to speak. ‘’The knife. There’s…’’ his voice breaks, ‘’There’s… a knife,’’ he says blindly shuffling his hand for it, holding the handle and passing it to his brother. He shudders as a new wave of pain goes through him. ‘’You must… before it’s too late Thor… ‘’ he pauses to breathe. ‘’You must… Save him. ‘’

Thor looks at him, wide eyed, scared. ‘’But, Loki…’’ he tries to argue and Loki gathers last of his strength to raise his bloodied hand and cradle Thor’s cheek. ‘’Thor,’’ he whispers, ‘’brother… If you ever held any love for me,’’ he tries to get air into his lungs and fails miserably, ‘’do this.’’

Thor looks at him with determined eyes and nods. ‘’Don’t be afraid, Loki, I will save you. And him.’’

Loki smiles up at him, finally, feeling at peace. ‘’My Thunder God,’’ he mutters, tears leaking from his eyes, his hand dropping on mattress, leaving red trail in it’s wake. ‘’What have I to be afraid of when you’re with me?’’

\---

Thor grips the handle and put the sharp edge to the bump. He takes a deep breath and looks at his brother: Loki’s eyes are unfocused, his head thrown back and memories of his cruelty hit him and almost choke him. How could he? How could he humiliate, use and leave him? What kind of monster leaves their family?

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he whispers and cuts the skin, this hands paint red with torrent of blood. His brothers blood. ‘’I’m so sorry,’’ he rasps, trying to hold back tears as he cuts the placenta and pulls out a tiny, squirming child from his brother’s body and wraps hims in a clean towel. ‘’Loki’’ he whispers, passing the child to him, ‘’Look at him, Your son Loki!’’

His brother barely manages to open his eyes and look at the baby. ‘’Modi,’’ Loki whispers smiling through the pain and haze, looking at the child and realizing he’s succeeded; the baby has nothing of him; with blonde curls, sky-blue eyes and round face, he’s a spitting image of Thor.

Thorson.

He looks at his Thunder God: father of his child, love of his life and shakes his head. ‘’He’s yours Thor,’’ the Trickster says. ‘’He’s your son. Look at him.’’

Thor does look, for the first time and his heart almost stops: It’s his. His son. There’s no doubt about it. Loki’s been carrying his son all this time and he, in his arrogance, has damned him. Damned them both to this.

Thunder God holds the tiny child in his huge arms, sobbing, ‘’I’m sorry Loki, I’m sorry, my love, please, forgive me.’’

Loki doesn’t answer. The child, Modi Thorson, suddenly stops cooing at him and starts wailing. ‘’What’s wrong with him?’’ Thor asks, alarmed and looks at his brother and his blood runs cold.

Loki’s eyes are closed, a smile frozen on his bloody, skeletal face.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback for 25 years of lifespan I've lost while writing this?


End file.
